Math team star or “brain-waver”?

Question from Chrissy:

I am on the math team and we have made it to the state finals! The problem is that my star athlete boyfriend says that I am embarrassing him by being a “brain waver.” Can you help me? Thank you, Chrissy.

Answered by Dr K on June 27, 2011:

Oooooh, my first reaction is to kick his butt to the curb, but we need to rescue him from his old decrepit man mentality. First of all, I looked up his team record and while I’m not a sports fanatic (except for wrestling), I know losing all but one game is not considered a great season. Now, you would never say you were embarrassed by him being on “a not so stellar team” would you? Or tell him to quit the team? Of course not!

Even if his team was winning, it’s understood that a team is just that, a team. With a team comes wins and losses. What he is failing to recognize is that you are on a team too.  You have a role and a commitment to your teammates just like any other team. Anyone on a team should value that.  The other thing he is confused about is that he thinks being an intelligent woman is a bad thing. Is it because he is in competition with you and is bothered that you are smarter than him? A good relationship is one where the person with you makes you stronger, is proud of your accomplishments and wants you to be successful at the things that interest you. I can’t tell you how many famous successful people have told me that their partners kept telling them to get real and give up on their dreams. Insecure people react like this sometimes because they are afraid of seeing their partner grow, become successful and move into new circles of friends. This makes them feel they will be left behind. Sadly, by acting this way, they are pretty much ensuring they are.

Consider what would happen if you did quit the team. How would you feel that you gave up something that you liked and were proud of? How would your teammates feel that you dumped them? What about your future dreams? If you want to go on to college, having something as incredible as being on the math team puts you at a huge advantage, not to mention the scholarship opportunities.

Most mature guys understand that an intelligent woman means that she is going to be successful, make lots of her own money so that it’s not all about her being with him just so he can buy her stuff. A good relationship really takes both of you to be a team too. The success of that team depends on how well you work off of each other’s strengths and how much you support each other as each other’s coach.  A good coach won’t tell you to lose or to give up. You need to talk to him about and figure out for yourself, whether he is even on your team. 

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