Thanks for the input GuyNerdGirl!  I have a question: is it true that the woman chooses who she will be with?  In your guy opinion, is that true?  I’ve been hearing this from guys and girls lately, would you say that is correct?  I’m really wondering about this…

Thanks for the input GuyNerdGirl!

No problem!

I have a question: is it true that the woman chooses who she will be with?  In your guy opinion, is that true?  I’ve been hearing this from guys and girls lately, would you say that is correct?  I’m really wondering about this…

Well, in my case I would have loved for a NerdGirl in college to have asked me out.  If a woman was generally engaged in stuff I liked, I wouldn’t be that picky.  Being into me is an incredible turn-on. 

I think most guys these days are not so hung up on being “in the lead”, although some of this thread makes me wonder if I am seeing only a small slice.  I would imagine that people are people, plenty of guys are shy, nervous, or unsure of themselves around women.  Especially guys in the science or engineering fields where a lot of guys who were not so popular in high school end up.

And if you can get over your nervousness, you’ll be in very good shape.  If you ask a man out, and for some reason he says ‘No"--like he’s already got a girlfriend, he’s too shy to even say yes, he just isn’t into you--I guarantee that he’s at least flattered.  Once in my whole life I turned a girl down when she asked me out.  It was to a Bon Jovi concert and I didn’t think it was a masculine enough activity.  Well I was a moron for a few reasons, first of all I’ve found out since then that Bon Jovi is not such bad music, and second, if you’re on a date it’s pretty easy to defend your masculinity.  But even in saying no I was flattered and I kind of regretted it.

Wow, do I feel relieved. I, like mattdick, am a guy who came here because I support the motives and morals of this group. This discussion has made me feel worlds better because I just got out of a really long, really stressful relationship with someone who is, needless to say, not the type of girl I’m looking for. I was the convenient smart guy that would fix a computer or help explain some physics, proofread a paper, cook dinner while she studied and pay for nice things like vacations with my nerd-earned income. It’s not that I don’t enjoy those things, but I was a tool, and there was no reciprocation of intellect. She didn’t have any real passion for anything, just a dedication to getting grades, and it was nearly impossible for me to even babble about my research, let alone receive any kind of feedback. It was also fairly difficult that she had no experience with the real world, and no desire to leave her over-protected illusionary world. After spending such a long time (5.5 yrs) with someone whom I now realize was someone I settled for. The sad thing is that it took an unsolicited relocation opportunity for me to sit down and figure all of this out, but now that I’ve moved (to the beautiful beaches of Florida) I’ve got a new game-plan for dating that seemed potentially impossible until I read these posts.

Honestly, I don’t think I’m the greatest candidate around, but I also don’t know why it seems to be so difficult to find somebody. I’m a 23 year old working Software Engineer and I make pretty decent money for my age. I haven’t completed my BS yet because I’ve never had any financial support and working to survive took precedence over school. I do intend to finish, honestly I don’t want to stop until I get my PhD, but I’ve been coding since I was 7 and I am fortunate that I’ve found employers who will take me seriously without one, though it seems a lot of females I’ve met don’t feel the same about it. Perhaps my standards are too high? I’m looking for an attractive girl (sorry if it seems shallow, but I think everybody has a different idea of what’s attractive) that is intelligent, driven, and forever interested in learning new things (seems some people get tired of it? I dunno...). Somebody I can collaborate with, discuss ideas about our research and learning together, challenge each other and maybe even play devil’s advocate when we could benefit from it. I’m a really laid back guy that doesn’t like to stress about anything and doesn’t want anybody else to force stress upon me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know how to deal with problems or talk about disagreement, just that I don’t see a reason to get all pissed off when, in a worst case scenario, I can agree to disagree or, even better, one of us could learn something we didn’t know or see a new perspective. I like someone who makes their own decisions, as I intend to continue making mine and I don’t want to care who makes more, as long as we’re independent and happy with the road we’ve chosen, always improving and supportive of one another. Diverse interests are important, but which I’m not really too concerned about; I like physics, philosophy, psychology, computers, anime, games and cuisine to name a few, and it’d be great to have someone to talk to about some of those things, but I think as long as the person is intellectually competent my brain would not have to curse my heart. It’s also important that she is not a hermit; I don’t know if the preconception of nerds never going out is statistically accurate or not, but I enjoy going out with friends, doing anything from talking at a bar or dancing at a club to conventions or trade shows. Oooh, I’m babbling a bit, so I close up this section with a final requirement: trust is absolutely essential; I don’t intend to be up in anybody’s business asking where they’ve been with who doing what, and I don’t intend to take grief for it either. When I’m committed, I’m committed and I never want to deal with another relationship where people are hiding things from each other or word-smithing to make the other like them or “not hurt” the other person, which I have been guilty of too, but seeing the pain and stress it causes both parties I can’t justify something like that again.

With all of that said, I ask the onlookers: is there something I should do to improve my chances? Should I change my perspective or approach? Does anybody have advice or questions they think might help me find the right girl? I almost thought about dropping some of my requirements to improve my odds, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like that’s settling for someone rather than finding the perfect someone… I just don’t want to wait forever.

I knew exactly who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with when I was about 19. It took about 4 years before I convinced him I was who he wanted to be with, but I perserved. We’ve been married for just over 3 years now. I had to have someone nerdy, because he had to understand some of jokes, plus he has a lot of interesting hobbies,which always attracts my attention. I have to say since I’ve been married I’m definitely more attractive as he likes the whole trophy wife idea :)

My advice is have your list of things you want in your heart at all times. I honestly believe there’s a perfect someone for everyone. I tried to compromise, but it turned out bad for me. From one of my favorite movies A Walk in the Clouds “The Heart wants what the Heart wants”

Trust is critical! My man travels a lot and I know the locations he likes unwind at when he’s away, most wives freak, but hey he doesn’t complain when I take private lessons with gorgeous snowboard instructors:).

For meeting girls, my husband swears by dancing. Worked for him he got my attention that way :) Take a class in ballroom or something there’s always more girls than guys.

To meet guys I suggest MMORPGs, because you can get to know someone pretty well. I know quite a few relationships that have formed through WoW. Besides most guys don’t believe hot girls play those types of games :)

c

Just out of random curiosity...did y’all find it easier to find a date when you were younger and more open-minded, or was it easier after enough years had passed to understand what you wanted?

Jennifer

For me, it was easier to jump into relationships when I didn’t know what I wanted, but after enough stress and drama from unpreparedness or incompatibility wore me out and now I’m a bit reluctant to jump in for fear of wasting time/money/energy on “nothing.” It never really has been “nothing” because you always come out of a relationship with at least a better understanding, so maybe it’s a bit shallow, but obviously I’ve at least figured out what I’m looking for :p just haven’t found it yet (though I assume it’s not so easy to see on the surface).

PixelGeek - 19 July 2008 10:40 AM

How does a nerd girl go about dating successfully in this culture that celebrates trophy wives and bimbos?

Oh wow, talk about being condescending. I would’ve expected that a geek girl like yourself would value the principles of treating each other equal. Who are you to say that attractive, blond and scarcely clothed women who like to put out on the first night can’t be smart or are less of a person than you are? Some men actually prefer not putting in too much effort, and in that light, isn’t it kind of pragmatic to go with the flow? Seeing as you’re asking for advice, you might want to start going with the flow yourself.

Is it important for your partner to be as smart as you?

Is having a man that’s “smarter than you” okay as well? :P Or is that just impossible? (And yes, please mind the sarcasm)

Hugs ‘n kisses!
class Her
include Observer
end

No, I agree with you.  No experience is ever wasted because you always learn something from it. Since you are actually one of the few people on earth who is lucky enough to clearly understand what it is that you want, I would definitely not “settle” for something different.  If half the population of the earth is female, that narrows your chances down to around four billion, give or take a few million.  I think in one respect it is definitely easier for competent guys to find someone than for competent girls.I am very lucky to be with someone wonderful now, but, God forbid, if something should happen so that I find myself alone, I worry sometimes that I might be undatable at this point.  I don’t even have a long list of requirements...my only thing is that if I am in a relationship, I get to be the girl (in the most Southern sense of the word, of course).  :-)

Jennifer: I’m not so sure it’s easier for either side; At one point I would have said something like “I beg to differ” because it can be quite difficult to get a girl to take you seriously if your appearances or your friends or anything else don’t match up to their checklist, but honestly, I think this is a societal attribute of humans. We collect in groups of commonality to protect our poor unprepared psyches from being exposed to too much difference all at once. Of course we all change over time, so many people wind up moving on (at various points in life) to a more experimental and intrigued policy of meeting all sorts of people and treating each of them as individuals. Those things said, I’m rather adjusted to meeting new people and even making it past the clique barriers, but it’s still a big sea with a lot of fish in it, and I haven’t seen the spotted seatrout I’m looking for just yet. Competency is just plain more rare than it should be these days, so I’m thinking we both have a hard time with it. The existence of this site would lead one to believe that there are (at least currently) more (practicing) competent males than females, which would make it easier for a competent female to stumble upon one of the “many” competent males, but that’s not really a sentiment I back.

ObserveHerPattern: Ok, first might I say F*ING awesome name :p. That out of the way, both of your perspectives are quite explainable. You are clearly a free thinker, and perhaps even somewhat of a strategist. You’re might be taking modern culture and moving forward with it in an educated manner. PixelGeek on the other hand may be using a perspective that tries to analyze cultural perversions of the past that may have contributed to a gap in the legitimacy of sexual equality, noting that the outfits and attitudes may have been born of male intervention that is not of intelligent design, but rather self-satisfaction. Beyond that, it is the personality of some to take the path of least resistance, whilst others still will fight the trends for their own reasons. If anything, I think the most important dating advice anybody can give is to be yourself, so advising she change her methods may not be all that helpful, even if she does she might wind up with someone who likes her for actions she wasn’t actually interested in taking part in which could lead to a “wasted” relationship. Not to say that you shouldn’t advise it, since sometimes people need a bit of perspective, but this is a refute if one should be sought. My own two cents: is a man who puts in little effort really a man at all? All people’s commitment is best weighed by the effort their willing to put forward.

i don’t think, just because we’re nerds, it means we need to date any differently than anyone else. the goal of dating is to find someone you’re compatible with to share your life with, so if that means you’ll end up with another nerd, great. just remember there are plenty of guys out there who want an intelligent, strong woman and NOT a bimbo.

my fiance and i met at a concert when i was 12, and, quite inadvertently, both ended up in the cse program at ohio state. he’s my best friend, and understands me on an intellectual level, so i couldn’t ask for more. just because it’s harder to find a guy who wants an educated and independent woman certainly doesn’t mean they aren’t out there...and it’s worth finding one in the end. :)