How does a nerd girl go about dating successfully in this culture that celebrates trophy wives and bimbos? Is it important for your partner to be as smart as you?  I would be interested in knowing the struggles others have had!

I just posted about this in another thread…

My troubles dating were because of competitive guys. Guys who only tried to be better than me 1) negatively criticized 2) tried to control my actions and 3) treated me like property. I dutifully exercised my inability to tolerate bullshit.

Intelligence level is important, but only to an extent. You need to be able to communicate effectively with your partner. If he’s so dumb that he doesn’t understand “please don’t run my bras with underwires through the dryer”, or any other specific need that you tell him, it might be time to move forward without him.

i had issues because a lot of guys aren’t ready to handle a woman who makes her own decisions.  i had one freak out on me once, because after i picked the restaurant, I also selected which bottle of wine and dessert we’d split.  I mean, I asked him if it was okay, he was just like, “you always know what you want, what’s there for me to do?”

uhm… look pretty?

but nah, after years of dating I got married to a great man who was thrilled to be with a smart girl.  And really that’s my advice about dating… don’t screw around with guys who are “learning to deal” with your brain.  he should appreciate you for it, not in spite of it.  took me forever to learn that.

I need someone who can distinguish my dry humor in conversation, listen to my babblings about research (participation is optional), talk about a variety of topics, can prepare and defend an argument, and is ambitious about one thing or another (his choice). I don’t consider those very high ideals, but I’m certainly having a hard time finding someone who fits that description.

Mostly I get a lot of guys who
1) Are scared off by the fact I have more education and possibly a higher paying job.
2) Are insulted by the fact that I critique _everything_ on how it can be improved. I may even agree with an idea, but I like to tease out the potential problems and demonstrate they can be solved. It’s an impulse I’m teaching myself to curb.
3) Don’t have a topic that they’re passionate about. The topic can be anything from crackerjacks to the environment. I think people who care about something are interesting people.
4) Are too niched. I’ve gone out with a lot of guys who live and breath computers. (A passion! Good!) However, if you attempt to get into topics of politics, literature, or any other sundry topic they quickly become lost. (A lack of diversity. Sad. They don’t have to be passionate about everything, but I’m interested in everything and want to talk about everything.)

Usually things just fizzle with a guy because we can’t seem to communicate effectively. (Most dates start out because “gee, she’s pretty,” or “wow! a girl who is familiar with flavors of Linux as she is with flavors of ice-cream!”

Like the originally poster, I’d appreciate any tips on succeeding in the dating realm. . .

spacefem - 20 July 2008 12:57 AM

I got married to a great man who was thrilled to be with a smart girl.  And really that’s my advice about dating… don’t screw around with guys who are “learning to deal” with your brain.  he should appreciate you for it, not in spite of it.  took me forever to learn that.

This is my advice as well.  I met my husband in grad school. And I am a slow learner—my first husband could not deal with my brain at all and spent a lot of time telling me how dumb I was.  :-S

AAAHHH Dating!!!!!  It’s impossible.  I noticed this in college, it’s like you’re allowed to be pretty and dumb or smart and ugly, but if God happens to put the two together, it’s like guys freak out!!!  They either “can’t handle me” and end up just not calling or they get so puffed up in their egos to have this hot smart chick with them, I become the mantle piece to show off again and I hate that.  I haven’t figured this one out yet.  How do you be feminine and pretty AND smart and successful AND get a good guy to give you the time of day???  It always feels like I have to dumb myself down to not affect their ego, but I don’t want to dumb myself down.  I’ve worked really hard to get where I am professionally (as we all have), and I don’t want to ignore it or try not to mention it just so the guy is not intimidated or whatever he is.  At this point, I’ve given up on dating, it’ s just too weird these days.

P.S.  I am SOOOO with you Janelle, all of your very clear bullet points are right on the money, I hope somebody answers them because I could use some of the same advice. :)

For me, my biggest problem was that I was always “one of the guys.” I would always fall for my guy friends partly because they were smart, and appreciated that I was smart too. Of course, by that point, I was too much “one of the guys” so they couldn’t imagine dating me… It was hard and frustrating.

I meet my current b/f in graduate school, but we meet at church. So far its going well. He loves the fact that we can have really honest debates about difficult topics, and he totally hates it when I act like a “weak little girl.” Which, of course, I do only to annoy him ;-) He has told me that he has long accepted the fact that I will always make more then him. ;-)

To be entirely honest, one of the myriad of reasons i went to graduate school was in the hopes of meeting some intelligent, well rounded guy who would appreciate my brains. So far it looks like it worked… especially since he is going to be moving across the country to be with me.

I think my biggest piece of advice would be to be proactive. Don’t wait for him to ask out, go for it.  If he is receptive to you making the first move, he will be totally comfortable with you being smart, spunky, opinionated, etc.

I met my fiance at karoake. Yes indeed, at a bar.  And he does sing.

That aside, he is the first guy I have ever dated who is sincerely an avid reader. He is passionate about politics and knows a hell of a lot about music (his chosen profession).  He is an extremely hard worker. But no - he doesn’t make more then me.  He recently closed the gab considerably, but I will most likely always be the lead.

I found it got better as I got older.  I am curious, for those who are married/life committed - at what age did you meet your significant other and when did you make the lifetime committment?

For me - I met Dave when I was 27, and we will be married a few months before my 30th birthday.

(ps - I hit on my fiance and persued him.  He still doesn’t always believe that he landed such a smart girl.)

I’ve been struggling in the dating world since college.  My friends attribute my single status to the fact that I intimidate guys. I don’t believe I should have to dumb myself down for someone though!  Actually, some guys seem to be interested until they hear the words “Ph.D., graduate school, or mechanical engineering.” Any of those three seems to be a sure-fire mood killer. 
Stand still, look pretty? Don’t think so. Somewhere there’s a guy who can handle me.  Even if I have to go through years of single stretches to find him!

CathEarnshaw83 - 30 July 2008 02:37 PM

Somewhere there’s a guy who can handle me.  Even if I have to go through years of single stretches to find him!

Easy, just hang out around the local military base with 4 inch black stilletos. Military men love being dominated.

...I’ve enjoyed the ass kickings I’ve dished out over the years. And, what’s really cool is they all have jobs!

HerAlterEgo - 30 July 2008 02:41 PM

CathEarnshaw83 - 30 July 2008 02:37 PM

Somewhere there’s a guy who can handle me.  Even if I have to go through years of single stretches to find him!

Easy, just hang out around the local military base with 4 inch black stilletos. Military men love being dominated.

...I’ve enjoyed the ass kickings I’ve dished out over the years. And, what’s really cool is they all have jobs!

This doesn’t work if you are looking for something even remotely meaningful, even though I’m sure that was assumed.  I’m in the Military and that stigma is a huge burden.  It’s difficult for guys as well mind you, well at least those that need some substance in their partner.  I’m not trolling this looking for girls, but Janell and Zazilinguist are exactly what I can’t seem to find.  Just adding my 0.02

LMAO. Can’t take a joke huh?

Actually, my ex was in the marine corps and loved it when I domainated him. He called me the dark angel. We broke up after about three years though.

PixelGeek - 21 July 2008 09:49 AM

I am curious, for those who are married/life committed - at what age did you meet your significant other and when did you make the lifetime committment?

I met my husband while we were in high school.  I was 16 and he was 18.  We dated for 7 years before getting married.  At that point, it was truly a matter of either making the commitment or parting ways.  I’m glad we took the plunge.  We make such a great team!

HerAlterEgo - 06 August 2008 08:18 AM

LMAO. Can’t take a joke huh?


Actually, my ex was in the marine corps and loved it when I domainated him. He called me the dark angel. We broke up after about three years though.

Haha, no I can take a joke!  I’ve been in the Marines for about 5 years and I’d have to say you are spot on with the domination deal.  A lot of the guys out here act tough, but you can tel they would give in the second a girl takes over.

You know, I hear what all of you are saying in this.  I never was able to be someone’s mantle piece.  I kind of stopped trying to date, I just don’t do it anymore.  I still go out with men, but I do it this way now:

I basically use an elementary school technique, I tell them I am very straight up and that I don’t like expectations or those weird fantasies that people conjure up about a person and then get mad when they don’t measure up to what’s in their pie in the sky dreams.  And then I actually ask them to be my friend, really I say it straight up.  “Okay, do you want to be my friend?” like we all used to do when we were younger and didn’t know to have expectations yet. Then I have a leg to stand on if they make me feel like their expectations of how they want me to be don’t fit the reality, I tell them that friends don’t do that.  This is a new thing for me, but it seems to be working because the guy that is not willing to be my friend first I am not willing to date, so I took dating out of the equation until I knew if they could be a friend to a girl like I am.  :)

I’m new, and I’m a guy, so even though this thread has been silent for two days I thought I might be able to spark something.

I met my wife in college, when we both worked at the research lab--we’re both engineers, and she’s smarter than I am.  Well… perhaps it’s more accurate to say that she’s more analytically smarter than I am, and she handles multiple inputs better, and various other things.  I have my strengths as well.

I love that she’s smart, analytical and strong.  I am not intimidated by it and we’ve been married 15 years with no end in sight (and really, it’s not going to end at this stage, we’re done).  I routinely ask for her help when I am confronted by a mechanical engineering, spatial relations or materials question.  And I’m no shrinking violet or weak man, I’m a professional engineer, an avid sports enthusiast, etc.

So why do I tell this little story?  To add some hope and to say that this site/group is a great start.  Reading your complaints on this thread was really intriguing… you guys sound like great catches, all of you.  We, men who find smart women not only intriguing but indispensable, are out here, and as we filter in, the single men who find you.  They are your equals in so many ways, unable to bring themselves to go to bars looking for drunken bimbos or ridiculous party girls.. to old to go back to school and wondering what they’re going to do.

So hit on them, they really, really want you to.